Rabbi's Blog

Sandy Cohn – Shulamit bat Pinchas v’Chaya z”l

2/12/47 – 4/1/14

Eulogy delivered by Rabbi Marc on 4/3/14 at Har HaShem

Sandy would have loved to see all of us here today, people gathered from all over the country, family and friends.  So many people.  People she has adored. But she would not have liked the fact that it is all about her; she would be deflecting the attention away from her and back to us, because she cared so deeply about each one of us.  Too bad Sandy.  Today is about you.  All about you.  That’s why we’re here because we honor you so much, just as you have honored us.  And yet, of course, there is not a single person here who wants to be here because we are all so devastated by this, and still in disbelief that you are not here, working the room, making us all feel so seen and so special like you always have.  So now we have to remind you how special you are to us.

Sandra Kay Bodenger, always known as Sandy, was born in New Orleans on February 12th 1947, the middle of three sisters, to Fred and Ann Bodenger, a dentist and a house wife mother.  Lynne and Debbi remember that even as a young child Sandy had some of the great qualities that we all associate with her.  Loved by everybody because of the love she had for everybody, always having that generosity of spirit and capacity to do everything for others.  Debbi told us that whenever she was sick, Sandy would sit on her bed and tell her stories.  At 6 or 7 years old Sandy was very sick herself with rheumatic fever and in bed for a year. She never complained.  Everything was fine.  Years later, after many surgeries on her back, neck, knees, hips, shoulder, when Sandy’s sister commented to her how hard it must all be, Sandy responded, “I have a perfect life.”  She always embraced, celebrated and appreciated life no matter what was going on for her. Sandy kept in touch with many of her childhood friends and never forgets anniversaries and birthdays.  Relationships have always been so central to her.

After High School, Sandy initially went Ohio State University, but when it snowed in October, she convinced her parents to let her come home and then transferred to Louisiana State for a while, but eventually graduated from the University of Tennessee, where she studied education.  She was an elementary school teacher and studied counselling at night and became a guidance counsellor, working in a Maryland school for 14 years, where she had lived with her first husband.

Larry and Sandy met in Washington, DC in 1982 on a blind date arranged by mutual friends.  They both agreed after the 3^rd date that they had found each other.  Larry’s mom said to Sandy at a family wedding as photos were being taken “all you have to do to be in this picture is marry Larry.” And she did.  They were married 15 months after they met, in January 1984 and they moved to Houston a few months later, where they lived until 2006 when they moved to Boulder.  Everyone remarks of Larry and Sandy that they always looked like they were on their first date.  They were just so attentive to each other.

Sandy went back to teaching for a year in Houston before getting back to guidance counselling, which she did until her physical limitations prevented her. She loved working with kids, especially drawn to schools and students in low income neighborhoods.  It was so painful for her when she could no longer bend down to talk to the kids and she retired in 2000.

Sandy’s struggle with rheumatoid arthritis began in1995 with lower back pain and two subsequent surgeries.  Just since January 2010, she has had a double knee replacement, both hips and a shoulder replaced, and her neck fused just last week.  She was always so resilient and worked hard with great discipline to recover and, of course, without complaint, never wanting a fuss made over her.  She wanted to heal quickly so that she could get back to helping us, rather than have us support her.  Larry, of course, has been a tireless source of strength with full emotional and physical support every time.

Larry told a story about a Shabbat dinner a couple of years ago at the Seltzers. Sandy insisted on sitting at the kid’s end of the table and later Michael apparently said to his mom “your friends are so cool.” Sandy was always very inclusive of everyone regardless of who they were and everyone who met her loved her.

Sandy was so hospitable, so generous and an amazing cook. Larry and Sandy have been wonderful hosts for so many of us, making meals for people at their home as well as delivering meals in the community at times of need.  There was always something to eat no matter what your dietary needs  – kosher, vegan, low sodium, gluten free.  You name it. Larry’s friend Gary wondered out loud how it is possible that Larry does not weigh hundreds of pounds with all that great food.  Larry’s quick reply, “Because she made me work out.”

Sandy made us all work out in a way, subtly challenging us to eat more healthily and generally to be better people.  Larry’s sister noted how easily and fully Sandy embraced kashrut, even though she was not brought up that way.  She took it in her stride like everything else, mainly because of her love and respect for Larry and his traditions.

For Larry’s sister Sandy, a real hallmark of Sandy is how deeply she loved all of the nieces and nephews, showing total interest in each one of them. Larry and Sandy have 11 nieces and nephews between them and would frequently go on special trips with them and they all had a special relationship with their aunt. Sandy loved Boulder and felt great here.  It has been the perfect environment for her; the natural beauty, the trails, the community, the intellectual stimulation.

Larry told us that every single morning, the first thing Sandy would do when she woke up, was walk to the window and look up to the mountains.  Silently and full of appreciation, never tiring of their majesty. It was a great sadness for Sandy having to give up the biking, hiking and snow shoeing when her body could no longer handle these pursuits, but she continued to have some kind of work out every single day, in her organized, disciplined way, recording what she had done in her calendar.

Sandy was an avid reader and learner.  She loved music, especially live jazz, folk or blues. She also loved movies and high quality TV shows. Since being in Boulder, she has audited 5 or 6 classes at CU, including the History of Jazz.

Sandy has given us so much as a friend and activist at Bonai Shalom on the social action committee and helping establish our Community Supported Agriculture program with our local farm, but more than all of that is how much she loved the community and has been, along with Larry, right at its heart in the eight years that they have been here.

In 2003 Larry and Sandy were in Israel with Larry’s parents, who adore Sandy and are sad that they cannot be here today. One of the places they visited was Neve Hanna, a childrens’ home in Kiryat Gat. They spent a day there and Sandy was so captivated with the place that it became an organization that they have supported to this day.  Sandy loved children so much and always got a kick out of popping her smiling face into our childrens’ services at Bonai Shalom.

Caring, fun, energetic, resilient, disciplined, appreciative, opinionated, loving, kind, direct, particular. These are some of the qualities that Sandy’s family and friends associate with her. She held people to a very high standard, in a good way, helping us become better. She could get excited over small things, like how good the water was at a restaurant.  Sandy was bubbly, always smiling and laughing with and that big, unmistakable laugh – hee, hee, hee.

We are all going to miss her so much, but of course, none of us as much as Larry.  Yesterday he said to me, “she made me.  She was more than my other half.”  You met 32 years ago in 1982. 32 in Hebrew numerology is lev, heart.  Larry, your heart and Sandy’s heart are intertwined and this loss is unbearable.  You are greatly loved and may you receive all the strength and comfort of family and community.

In less than two weeks we will begin our celebration of Pesach, Passover; a season characterized in part by the Four Questions.  We have so many questions for which there are no answers.  The most urgent of these is simply “why?  Why did this beautiful, vibrant woman leave this physical world and leave us poorer for her loss?”  We will never know. Sandy has been embraced by the great mystery of it all.  There are a different set of four questions asked by Ben Zoma in Pirkei Avot, which do have answers.  To each one, the answer is Sandy Cohn.  Aizeh hu chacham?  Who is wise?  Aizeh hu gibor?  Who is mighty?  Aizeh hu ashir?  Who is rich?  Aizeh hu m’chubad?  Who is honored?  Ben Zoma answers that the wise one is the one who learns from everybody, the mighty one, the one who masters their own impulses, the rich one is the one who is content with what they have and the honored one is the one who honors everyone else.  Sandy was always learning whether formally or informally and from everyone; she was so mighty through her resilience and determination, never giving into complaining.  Sandy was so rich through her embrace of the present moment and her enchantment with small and simple things.  Above all, she was and is so honored because of the honor she gave all of us.  So many people have commented on the great respect and interest she showed everyone.  People who often feel invisible in community and on the outside, felt seen, loved, welcomed and honored by Sandy.

So, as much as Sandy would be and is appreciating this gathering of all these special people in her life in this place that she loved, it is true that Sandy would resist this day being all about her. So what would she want for us?  What can we learn from her life and from her sad and untimely death?  To not let a single moment pass by unappreciated, to see each other more fully, learning from each other, loving each other and seizing each day, carpe diem, for the gift that it is.  That’s how we can honor her memory and her profound wish not to be the center of attention; by allowing this very sad day to challenge each of us to be the best we can and to live as fully as we can.

Peace on Sandy’s soul and may her memory be an eternal source of blessing for us all.  Hamakom y’nachem etchem b’toch sh’ar avlei Zion v’Yerushalayim.  May God comfort the mourners – you Larry especially, along with your siblings and in-laws, parents, nieces and nephews; and you, Sandy’s sweet sisters Lynne and Debbi and all of your families.  Strength to you. And to all of us.  We are all mourners today, grieving the loss of Sandy Cohn, zichronah livracha.