A Eulogy for Barbara Trager, delivered on Tuesday July 9th at Bonai Shalom before we laid her to rest. A sad day indeed. Rabbi Marc
Barbara Trager - Basha Leah bat Aharon u’Miriam
December 4th 1943, Columbus, Ohio - July 5th, 2024, Boulder, CO.
אֵֽשֶׁת־חַ֭יִל מִ֣י יִמְצָ֑א וְרָחֹ֖ק מִפְּנִינִ֣ים מִכְרָֽהּ׃
Aishet chayil mi yimtzah? V'rachok mipninim michra
A woman of valor, who can find her?
Her worth is far beyond that of rubies.
A woman of valor, of beauty, of strength, of moral courage, generosity, of compassion and kindness, a fighter, an activist, a fierce advocate. Mi yimtzah? Who can find her? We all found her in Barbara Trager and now we are devastated by losing her.
When I saw Barbara on Friday in the ICU, she immediately said to me “one more mi sh’bereach, rabbi.” By Mi sh’berach she was referring to the blessing of healing that calls on the One who blessed our ancestors to bless those in need of healing in mind, body or spirit. I have lost count of how many times I offered this blessing to Barbara; in her home, in my home, in the synagogue, in hospital and one time she called me on the way to Denver and asked for a blessing and I drove out to meet her and laid my hands on her and chanted those words by the side of the road in South Boulder. Barbara believed in blessings and ritual and how I hoped that the bracha, the blessing, on Friday morning would bring a miracle and make Barbara’s beautiful, strong, now failing heart start working again. Barbara and her family assumed that eventually the cancer would take her life, so it has been a shock not only that it was her heart that stopped working, but how similar her final condition was to Tom’s who left us less than 14 months ago. That loss was so hard for Barbara and perhaps it broke her heart.
Mara and Josh, it is unimaginable that you have lost both of your wonderful parents so close to each other and we hold you in our hearts in your grief. Along with her beloved Tom, Barbara has joined her parents, her brother Leonard and sister Phyllis and is now one of those ancestors in whose merit we call on for support, strength and healing.
Barbara, Basha Leah, was born to Miriam and Harry (Aharon) Mathless on December 4th,1943 in Columbus, Ohio. Her older sister Eileen said that she was a beautiful baby and a charmer from the day she was born. Everyone adored her from the beginning to the end of her life. Miriam and Harry had a very happy marriage and their five children Eileen, Paul, Phyllis, Barbara and Leonard had a wonderful childhood, raised in an Orthodox Jewish home. Harry had a Gulf filling station and for a period he had to work on Shabbat, but as soon as he could he stopped.
Paul said that he took after his dad - quiet and not social, but Barbara took after their mom who was the opposite. Gregarious, social, always taking care of people and engaged in community. Miriam’s mother, Barbara’s grandmother Esther, with limited English as an immigrant, became an incredible activist, developing the first mikveh in Columbus and helping to establish a Jewish home for the aged and a Jewish Day School. A legacy of strong, passionate women from Esther to Miriam to Barbara, who has always been involved in so many political and social causes. Eileen shared that their mother was a confidante and friend to all of her friends and Mara said that’s exactly who her mother Barbara was to her friends.
Barbara graduated from Ohio State University and in a conversation with Josh, she shared that it took her a while to realize that college was not just about dancing and socializing and she had to refocus and start working to get her degree in sociology. It was her lifelong drive to understand and help people that inspired this course of study. Barbara also took ping pong, bowling and billiards in college. Indoor sports at which she became pretty good.
Later in life Barbara got her Masters in Career Counseling at Cal State in Long Beach for which she credits Josh, who drove her out of the house when he was 3 months old!
After some exciting adventures in the mid 60s in Europe with her friend Sharon, she decided to go to Israel and fell in love with it and stayed a month. Her mother, who had always been a Zionist, told her to go to Israel from Greece or not bother coming home! In 1966, Barbara moved to Washington DC where her brother Paul was living and moved in with him and his roommates for a couple of months and then met and moved in with Margie and others in a kosher apartment. After a leave of absence from her first job at the Institute for American Democracy following the sudden death of her father back in Columbus, Barbara returned to DC and got a job at the Israeli Embassy working with Simcha Dinitz, information officer while Yitzhak Rabin was the ambassador. She also worked with Yehuda Avner, who worked under 5 Israeli Prime Ministers. She met lifelong friends Wendy, Debbie and Chen. After 9 months when her boss Simcha Dinitz became Director General and political advisor to newly elected Prime Minister Golda Meir, Barbara and Wendy decided to go back to Israel. Living in Jerusalem, Barbara did a 6 month ulpan to try to learn the language and worked in a halfway house for people with schizophrenia. After 13 months, Barbara came back to the US with the intention of saving some money to buy a car when she returned to Israel to live. In November 1970 back in DC a young man showed up who was fresh out of law school and had a job with US customs. Barbara was only going to date Israelis or men willing to move there, but it quickly became more than casual and she and Tom Trager moved in together.
They traveled to Redondo Beach California and fell in love with it and miraculously, Tom found a job and suddenly they were set to move west, which caused some anxiety and discernment as Barbara was still planning to return to Israel, but they moved forward with wedding plans. Tom and Barbara came from such different backgrounds - Tom from a classical Reform family in the US since 1850 and Barbara’s immigrant Orthodox family. They almost didn’t get married because Tom did not want to wear a kippah, but he did and they were married in Barbara’s mother’s Orthodox synagogue in Columbus in June 1972. Tom agreed to have a kosher home as long as they could join a reform temple.
Barbara’s niece Terri, whose high school graduation was the same weekend as the wedding, described Barbara as “always the cool, beautiful aunt.”
Barbara and Tom had complementary traits and skills. Tom was a traditional, safe, reliable person wanting to build strong relationships, and ensuring they had everything they needed, which allowed Barbara to be safe to be who she needed to be: adventurous, curious, out of the box. They had some wonderful travel adventures together.
After completing her Masters in Career Counseling, Barbara eventually got her dream job working for Jewish Vocational Service. Her work was really about helping people become themselves and raising their self esteem. She loved teaching workshops and helping people grow, which is what she did in all of her relationships really throughout her life.
In California, Barbara discovered a passion for working with clay and making ceramics, which was a very important creative outlet for her. She was also great at Scrabble and other word games and was an avid reader.
Mara and Josh were born and raised in California and they defined their dad by acts of service and affirmation and their mom as all about quality time, connections with others and bringing people together. They both had very strong Jewish values, even though they came from different places. They did not withhold public affection and there were often hugs and kisses. They were not strict parents, but the home always felt safe and there was no reason to rebel. They both cared about Mara and Josh’s education and always supported them and their choices without pressuring them, including all of the extra curricular activities. Without limits! There was a deep sense of being able to try anything and always coming back to a safe, loving home. Barbara’s unconditional support continued until this day and Mara shared how much her mom rooted for and supported Bibamba, her and Patrick’s chocolate business from its inception. Mara said “She was our #1 fan, and very often volunteered to help package or even make deliveries.”
Mara shared that her mother, among all the other things, taught her to be a bargain shopper, how to evaluate everything, and Josh said that she taught him how to be curious, how to listen, allowing him to connect with people he would probably not otherwise connect with. Barbara’s first battle with cancer was a couple of years before they left California. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1997. I heard Barbara tell the story that Josh was a senior in high school and wanted to shave his head in solidarity after she lost her hair from the chemo. She forbade him from doing so.
Barbara and Tom moved to Boulder in 1999 to be closer to Barbara’s sister Eileen and the family and Tom got his dream job as in house lawyer at CU Boulder. They built an incredible life here together with such deep roots and connections.
Many of us know Barbara as a great activist and Mara said this was always less about policy and more about being with and advocating for people.
Barbara was deeply involved with Democratic politics, canvassing in Obama’s and Hilary Clinton’s campaigns and hosting candidates and all kinds of people in their home. She even hosted a dinner and invited people to watch the presidential debate just a couple of weeks ago. I hope the food was better than the debate.
Barbara’s family and friends know her as the most loving, charitable, kind person. She helped so many people out and had a heart of gold. She was gregarious and always brought people together.
She volunteered for Meals on Wheels, sat on the Hillel board at CU, was involved with MADD - Mothers against drunk driving. With Bonai Shalom’s Social Action/Tikkun Olam committee, she was a champion for Gun violence prevention, response to racism and she helped both our Sudanese and Afghan refugees, always volunteering their home for events, fundraisers and gatherings. Barbara and Tom also embraced their exchange student Bruna into the family and she is here today.
Barbara adored her grandchildren Julian, Isaac and Izzy and desperately wanted to be around to see them grow into who they were going to become and she was such a loving and present grammy.
Barbara, this eishet chayil, who we found and have now so sadly lost, was generous, kind, compassionate, selfless and curious and she liked to be, not just to do - to be present where she was and who she was there with.
She pushed herself even through her cancer and through her losses and often acted as if everything was fine with a positive attitude that kept her going, looking so good right up until the end. She will be so missed.
Zichronah livracha - may Basha Leah always be remembered for a blessing.
To all the mourners, we say hamakom y’nachem, may you find strength and comfort in your grief. Mara, Patrick, Julian, Isaac, josh, Christina, Isadora Thomasine, Barbara’s surviving siblings Eileen and Paul, all the nieces, nephews.
