Yesterday we buried a very beloved soul, Alan Megibow and the tributes for him were so moving and beautiful. He was an absolute mensch who will be greatly missed. You can watch the funeral service here. Below is the eulogy that I delivered. I feel grateful and privileged to have known him. May we all be inspired by his deep gratitude for every day of his unexpectedly long life.
Shabbat Shalom
Rabbi Marc
Alan Megibow - Eliyahu ben Yosef HaLevi u’Miriam
August 20th 1937 - February 4th 2025
In a famous teaching from Pirkei Avot, Rabbi Ben Zoma asks reflectively - who is wise? Who is rich? Who is mighty? Who is honored? Aizeh hu hacham, ashir, gibor, m’chubad? He answers the wise is the one who learns from everybody, the rich, the wealthy is hasameach b’chelko, the one who is happy with what they have, the mighty is the one who exercises self control and the honored is the one who honors everyone else. Each one of these could be applied to Alan Megibow, but especially the rich and the honored. Alan honored and respected all whose lives he touched whoever they were, and he was deeply grateful for the gift of every single day right up to the end. Within an hour of him breathing his last breaths, Alan was saying “I have had the most wonderful life. I have no regrets. I am not afraid. I am ready.” And he was telling everyone around him, including me, how much he loved them. I certainly felt it. Such a beautiful, loving soul. Alan’s father and brother both died so young, in their 40s, so Alan assumed he was also going to die young too, which made him deeply grateful for every single day of life and he lived to 87, wealthy because he was so happy and grateful for his lot.
Alan was born in Hackensack, NJ on August 20th 1937 to Joseph and Estelle in a classic New York Jewish environment with family members all over the neighborhood. When they were kids, a maternal aunt married a paternal uncle and they were a very close family. Alan always treasured and prioritized family throughout his life - his Grandma Toba from the old country who, even though she was religious, gave Alan a sandwich for the journey home after he had driven from college for the Pesach holiday. When he said “I can’t eat that, it's Passover.” Her reply was “God will understand.” He always put family first, especially his own mother after his father died and, of course, his wife Judy, sons Joe and Mark, their wives and all the grandchildren. Alan was so emotional and tears would always flow when he talked about his parents, his brother and other family members. His father had a heart attack on the golf course the day before Alan’s 16th birthday, which, of course, had an enormous impact on him and his brother Larry.
Alan went to a Jewish summer camp for the whole summer and every year at the grand finale, he was always cast as a baby in a diaper to announce the new year, which he didn’t love. He was never particularly athletic, so chose other activities at camp. Alan’s bunk mate in camp was an heir and member of the Manishevitz family, but Alan used to enjoy telling the story that they pronounced it Menishovitz).
Estelle raised her boys as a single mom, although she dated a wealthy New York magnate after Joseph died, but never accepted his marriage proposals. Alan would tell stories about the mansion and the staff and the sports cars he got to drive in those privileged days.
He attended Union College, Schenectady, New York, where he was a male cheerleader and involved in Jewish life. He had wanted to be a rabbi, but his mother hadn’t encouraged it. I mean what kind of job is that for a Jewish boy? When he started talking about medical school, she was so much more enthusiastic, though not thrilled about psychiatry. He went to Albany Medical School and sort of made up the term “Pediatric psychiatrist” because it sounded better than child psychiatrist to his mother! He had a doctor uncle who had a medical practice and had wanted to bequeath the practice to Alan, but he didn’t know about it until he was on the path of his long career helping so many children, always focusing on long term care.
After an internship at Childrens’ Hospital at Ohio State, where he was 36 hours on, 12 hours off for a year and paid practically nothing, he became a resident at the Menninger Foundation in Topeka, Kansas, one of top psychiatric research centers. He had a 4 year residency at Topeka State Hospital where Judy Agin was doing a 6 month clinical internship in music therapy.
A friend told Alan there was a cute, short Jewish girl from New Jersey who liked kids and played guitar, so he went to his supervisor and asked about her. They somehow pulled out Judy’s file and Alan was struck by her. Later she walked into the cafeteria wearing her boyfriend’s Jewish fraternity sweatshirt from Rutgers University, and that was it. He told his best friend he had met the woman he was going to marry. He started proposing weeks after they met and they became known as Dr. and Mrs Megibow well before they were married. Judy finally told him “I love you and do want to marry you” on April 1st, so he wasn’t sure if it was a joke or not. Judy said that at one point he was coming on so strong that she had to leave for a bit and flew home to NJ to visit family and wasn’t sure when she took off, but was certain by the time she landed that she wanted to be with him. They were married 8 months after they met on June 25th, 1967. A wonderful fifty seven year marriage with all kinds of adventures. Alan adored Judy and supported her always.
They shared a love of playing and listening to music. Alan started with a baritone ukulele and graduated to a tenor guitar, which the family still has and has the most unbelievable collection of cds. Mark talked about the amazing music that Alan and Judy would play together around the campfire on family camping trips! Even when he wasn’t making music, he was playing music, always able to find the right music for the moment. He was the DJ for the university radio station in college. Later on, the “Music and Wine Lounge” became an important feature of the annual memorial day weekend camping trips.
Joe was born in 1969 in Topeka and they moved to Germany, where Mark was born a year and half later, while Joe was a baby. During the draft, the Air Force ran a program where you could enlist at the end of medical school. Alan signed up for 2 years thinking they would be posted somewhere in the US, but the head of psychiatry in Wiesbaden, Germany had retired, so he took that job as an officer. It was either Wiesbaden or Wako, Texas. They ended up extending for another 2 years before returning to Topeka in1973 where Alan started a private practice along with other adjunct positions. Joe and Mark’s childhood was primarily in Kansas and many of Alan’s patients were their school buddies, which they never knew until much later when they were told what a great doctor their father was! They had a boat which Alan drove while the others skied. Alan was so happy sitting in the boat sipping beer or wine or both while the family played. He was a showman. The boat was called the “Megibote” and later it was a pontoon boat and Alan would blast out calliope music like on the carousels, as they slowly came in and out of marinas drawing maximum attention. “Life is good,” he would say to his family, and kept saying it his whole life, sameach b’chelko, happy with his lot.
From 1990 - 2006, they moved to Knoxville, Tennessee, where he was offered a job at a psychiatric hospital running the childrens’ division for a short while, but he did not like how the place was managed and then pieced together various jobs as doctor and consultant, mostly in clinics. There were times where his professional life didn’t go as well, which was stressful, but he always found a way to do what needed to be done. He didn’t manage money well because he didn’t plan, which Joe and Mark think was because he always thought he was going to die young, so he didn’t think long term. He used to say to Joe “You’ll do fine in life if you don’t spend more than twice what you make.”
A lot of Alan’s work was in prisons where he used to say he was the most popular guy there, because he was the only one who was legally able to give drugs. Because of his expertise in youth psychiatry, he discovered that many people in the prison system were developmentally adolescent, and it made him really good with these patients. Judy said that he would often say “I’m just a simple country child psychiatrist.” This is how he saw himself. He was so wonderful at what he did and yet humble and unpretentious. Alan’s identity was as an advocate and lover of children, seeing them for who they were and always helping them. He was a mensch in his professional and personal life and everyone fell in love with him, including the nurses who took care of him in his last days, who were so emotional to say goodbye. As a doctor he always had great respect and affection for the nurses, which was not always the case with doctors of his generation.
Everything Alan got to do that his father didn’t get to see, brought him so much joy and magic, especially seeing his grandchildren grow up. He beamed with pride and love for his sons and grandchildren, honoring them for who they are.
In 2006 Alan and Judy moved to Boulder, shortly after Kyra was born and quickly found their beautiful home and became a big part of the community. Alan worked at Arapahoe Douglas in Denver, a job he left when they made him sit behind a desk, and then worked at Centennial Peaks until he retired.
They moved to be closer to the grandchildren, both here and in California. As a grandfather, Kyra said, he never told the same story twice - there were always new stories. He was patient and kind, always happy to be with family and eager to teach about the things he liked - like wine and old movies. Alan was a lifelong collector - music, stamps, painted Bossun heads, he has one of the largest collections in the world, which I saw yesterday and, of course, smurfs. Alan was known as Dr. Papa Smurf by many. He had a real appreciation of wine too, but he collected to share and enjoy with family and friends rather than store in a cellar.
Judaism was always very important in Alan’s life, even though he did not become a rabbi. When his dad died all those years ago, he really took on Jewish practice and put on tefillin and said kaddish every day. When it was discovered in Boulder that his arteries were 90 and 95% blocked and stents saved his life, his response was to become more religious, seeing it as a gift from God in some way. In Kansas, the biggest fundraiser for the shul was The Blintz Brunch and Alan was the MC, proud of his Jewish identity. He objected to the fact that the women were doing all the cooking and became the head blintz chef, enlisting the family in endless crepe making.
Alan and Judy quickly became very active, engaged and beloved members of Bonai Shalom. Judy plays in our Bonai band and heads our inclusion committee and I will always think of Alan right there at the door as our shammus, so warmly greeting people as they arrived and helping them feel welcome, and for many years he was usher-in-chief at High Holidays helping the comings and goings, training others and making sure no one came in or out during my sermons! He also served on the board for a short while, where his endless patience was tested.
Alan had a great sense of humor, often telling jokes as well as entertaining everyone with his amazing made up stories. He always had a natural presence. He had “rizz” as some might say; a charismatic charm.
In the creation story in Genesis, the breath of life, Ruach Elohim, was breathed into the nostrils of the first human. Ruach can mean both breath and spirit. Interstitial Pulmonary fibrosis, Alan’s agonizing disease of the lungs, left it impossible for him in the end to breathe, but he certainly still had spirit and vitality, which lives on through his deep lovingkindness, warmth and reverence and the many people’s lives that he touched. Even though he could not inhale deeply, he inspired profoundly. In Alan’s honor, let’s all take a deep inhale and let it fill us with Alan’s love and appreciation every day of his life.
May his memory always be a blessing and inspire us to breathe the gift of every day. Judy, Joe, Mark, Kerin, Sara, Alex, Jake, Drew and Kyra - you were and are Alan’s world and he adored you. May you be comforted in this loss.
